Sunday 1 January 2017

Spot in the dark

"What is that?"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you think life is going great? Only then bang out of nowhere everything changes?
Have you had a moment, incident or day which seemed insignificant at the time, yet was actually the beginning of one of the most testing periods of your life?

Hi, I am a mid-20's tea-fuelled mother of one living with my fiance, son and our beloved pet cat in the West Midlands. I work as a laboratory technician when I'm not shopping, reading a good book or getting messy in the kitchen.

 However, February 12th 2016 was the day my life started a plunge into a darkening descent.

It began with a black spot.

 A tiny floater that I presumed was due to sheer exhaustion and excessive computer usage. That was my warning ... little did I know the tiny spot was the start of a year of mayhem.

I'm not going to bore you with the ins and outs of every appointment as I've had so many that between reciting the outcomes to family and friends whilst also trying to absorb everything and carry on with my daily life, Im fed up of repeating it. It seems almost surreal now, that it's been told so many times its like talking about a really bad dream, the kind where I just can't wake up.
This is not a blog to moan or rant(but there will be plenty)  but to share my new hazy perspective of the world, to support people and share what I have learnt.

Within 10 months my visual acuity had dropped from 6\12 to 5\75. Now to most people that means nothing , think of it this way : what you can see in 75 metres I can only see in 5. Bad?Well yes but I should be glad Im not completely blind but the worst part about all this is that no one can tell me if that is going to happen.
It has been a scary descent, firstly I got my driving license revoked- man was I pissed! 3 years driving then bam I'm back to buses and trains and the endless coughs and colds that come with it. I've fallen over the most blatant things like boxes and stumps,  lost the confidence to go anywhere alone and lost all faith that things will improve.
Every morning I wake up and I'm almost scared to open my eyes.

I'm a medical mystery. Between 2 professors and a myriad number of tests (technology these days is amazing*) my eyes are healthy. They just don't want to work... Kind of like me on a Monday morning I guess.
Its a cloudiness that blurs everything, like looking through a fog. Nothing quite seems to have depth or sharpness to it.

*seeing a 3D image of my eye ball has left me in awe of the medical imaging world. Absoloutly incredible.

I was registered as sight Impaired 3 weeks ago. Since then I have crumbled, I'm this emotional wreck who can't get her head around anything but hey atleast I am admiting it now.
Sight loss registration is like becoming a member of a club, except there is no bingo night or coach trips to the seaside. Your just this name on a list that entitles you to 'perks'. Except the only perk i want is a diagnosis, a cure or a way to stop this. I'm sorry but a peak time bus pass and and a blue badge just don't cut it.
I guess the way i feel is like I'm mourning for  what I have lost, for the independence  I am losing and for what further lose there may be.

I've always been an optomist a generally happy person but for now I need to be selfish and I need to adapt to my new way of life and I need to discover what support is out there for my to claw back independence.
I need my brief moment to be sad, then I can pick myself up and be prepared for what is to come.
Please dont get me wrong though, i know It's not all doom and gloom. I have an amazing network of family and friends rallying around me, a best mate who is always there for me and who makes the world's best tea and nachos.
The most loving and affectionate son, when he's not driving me crazy.
But not forgetting my incredible fiance. The man who is choosing to support me, going through this with me, is there to pick me up when times are rough but most importantly to love me. I would not be the women I am today without him.
Yes that also means I've got a wedding to plan.

 I will be using this blog as an escape. To help me move forward and for all the laughs, cries, life adaptations and moments I want to share.
The next few weeks will be testing, multiple assessments, more appointments and hopefully some progress... I only hope you guys stick with me through this.


2 comments:

  1. Beautifully written Laura. Can't begin to imagine what you're going through but know you have a lot of people around you who will support you as much as possible xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Agree lovely written Laura such a horrible scary thing to be going though but you have a good family and friends around you xx

    ReplyDelete